I have been fighting a plethora of different illnesses, aches, pains and life-woes since the beginning of October. Much to no ones’ surprise, I am pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I know that I have started questioning myself, my choices and being hard on myself — thinking maybe some tough love will nip all this stuff in the bud and let me get on my merry way……. Does it work that way?!?! No. Obviously. Not at all.
I have been trying to take the my mind off of me and turn it to the people I love and how I can show them how much they mean to me. But then just when I think I have found this new way to look at life, I wake up feeling so sick that I can barely get myself out of bed, let alone show anyone that I love them. In this mess of infections, viruses, pills and antibiotics I can’t love myself or anyone and I know that’s only making me sicker.
Yesterday I stumbled upon Susanna’s blog,
Ink on my fingers, and read her posts about falling in love with yourself. This is what I need to do, I know it is, but I just don’t have the energy to do it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try as hard as I can!
How to fall in love with you: step one:
They say we must eat sensibly, exercise regularly and take time out to de-stress – I’d like to add ‘fall in love with ourselves’ to that list. To be able to cultivate our self-esteem and sense of worth we need to get to know ourselves – the soft tender places and the bold and powerful places. The hurts and fears, the joys and successes. We are worth this nurturing time – we deserve it! It keeps our heads and our hearts healthy and makes us better daughters*, sisters, mothers, partners, friends, employees, entrepreneurs, dreamers.
How to fall in love with you: step two:
1. Ask yourself: ‘how do I feel about this?’ and write an answer. Then ask yourself again: ‘but how do I feel about this?’ And write another answer. Then do it again: ‘but how do I feel about this?’ and continue on in this way until you have asked and answered as far as you feel you can go.
2. Pull back from using your diary as a chronicle of the day’s events. Instead, chronicle your feelings from the day.
3. Keep checking in with your needs. When premenstrosity strikes, I have a tendency to see everything through an overly-emotional veil, but underneath all that melodrama are very real, very tender emotions. By regularly checking in with how I’m feeling (see no.1) and what I need (more time alone, more fresh air, a call with a friend, an afternoon to play), I (usually) manage to write my way through the crazies and find some (self) support.
4. For some of us it is hard to be doing something so seemingly ‘selfish’ as keeping a diary – do it anyway. Let it rip. Indulge yourself. Be honest. No one else is reading.
How to fall in love with you: step three:
When the blues hit it’s even more imperative to be kind to myself, particularly when it’s so tempting to kick myself while i’m down. I mean, i’m already down there – why not heap some more doubt and insecurity and crap on my head? Some days i really do have to drag myself from breakfast to dinner to bed to just get through the day in one piece – who has the energy for that happy skippy claptrap i see on the internet? But when i can muster some kindness, i try to make an effort, however small, to do something nice for me… because it does help, even when i am at my most resistant.
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